I met the friendliest cop last night
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
