You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
