We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
