you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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