Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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