I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
