I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
