So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
