I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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