Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
