this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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