your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
