Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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