His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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