I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
