yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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