So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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