Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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