Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
