hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
