I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
