They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
