i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
