New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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