No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
