Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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