Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
