Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
