Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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