if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
