I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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