Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
