I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
