just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
