there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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