then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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