Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
