then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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