so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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