Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
