All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
