I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
