If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
