wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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