You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
