the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
