I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize