Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
