drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
