If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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