I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my being single is dangerous.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
