yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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