Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
