woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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