wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
