So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
